31 octobre 2016

As, I'm sure most of us do, I always get more reflective near the end of the year. Earlier this month, I was inspired to take a fast in the month of November as a means of mentally, physically, and spiritually preparing for 2017. As my birthday is also near the end of year, I wanted to also use the fast to reflect on and assess this 31st year of life. The last few times I attempted to fast, I ended up falling off within a matter of days so I'm really hoping and praying I can keep it together this time around. I'm praying my decision to become pescatarian in September has helped to improve my discipline a bit so I'll be able to stick it through. Time, surely, will tell.

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One thing I really wanted this year was romantic love. After years of dealing with the blowout from an emotionally abusive relationship, I finally do feel as if I am in a space where I am ready to love and be loved in return. While the plan didn't come to fruition as I had hoped, I do feel more sure in my decision to open myself up to the possibilities. Through meeting and getting to know new men this past year, I have been able to prove to myself that I am more sure of my needs, more willing to own my voice, more comfortable with articulating myself, more controlled in setting boundaries, and overall less afraid.

I'm in repair and, while I'm not together, and I'm getting there. I'm learning to allow space for my healing, to be patient with myself, and to be more forgiving of myself. It's a small step but I've learned that starting small and increasing incrementally is better than going big, feeling overwhelmed, and quitting (which, by the way, i am already exceptionally good at). It will all work out in due time and in the right season. If not, I guess I'll get into cats or embroidery.

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Francheska recently tweeted about her recent achievement of financial freedom and it made  me remember my goals of financial security for the year. I will have paid off three cards by the end of November and have done a complete 180 in terms of my spending habits. I came to the realization that my spending was associated with my depression, loneliness, anger. Acknowledging, accepting, and being aware of my struggles have greatly helped me to overcome the bad habit. Of course, I still go through moods of depression and loneliness but now I am able to recognize them for what they are and address them in more positive and affirming ways.

I say this all to say: never take for granted the ability to have people around you for which you can be vulnerable and honest with. The ability to say "I just need a person now" and have people around you who are willing and eager to make space for you is a gift. Truly and honestly, a gift.

Never forget to count your blessings. Always keep your gratitude at the forefront.

xo,

jana-lynn