...On Bra Avoidance

Photographer: Omoleye

A few months ago, after the end of a 4:15pm work meeting, a colleague lackadaisically commented on how she couldn't wait to get home and relax. "Don't you just love that time of the day? You get home, take of your bra, and its... its freedom."

I chuckled to myself, "Well, I don't really wear bras but I imagine that moment would feel absolutely magical."

You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed my statement.

What came next was a quickly shut conference room door, gawking, questions on whether or not I was wearing a bra at this very moment, how did it feel not to wear bras, what do i do in the cold weather, and a flurry of about 100 more words per minute.

A few weeks ago, a friend was discussing her struggles with finding cute apparel for her bustier frame. A bra wasn't always complimentary with the low back tanks or thin-strapped dresses of spring and summer. I offhandedly commented, "Eh. Just don't wear a bra.." and she responded with a look of bewilderment. Another [busty] friend commented, "Oh, no! No! No! NO! I could never not wear a bra. It's just too much...they'd fall down to my knees. It's not cute at all. You don't understand; your boobs are smaller." Yes, my size was smaller but I still had questions. "I don't think I understand why that is wrong. If they're big and there is gravity, aren't they just doing what they're supposed to do? Why is it wrong with that? I have busty friends who are bra-less all the time! Maybe it's really about comfort...?" My inquisition was sullenly shrugged off.

A few days ago, I posted a picture on Instagram and a friend complimented for my willingness to "let them out all free" and noted that it took a "heavy dosage of confidence" to pull the look off. I laughed to myself but truly am in awe that, in the year 2017, it really may be considered "brave" to be a women who lives in the land of the bra-less.

I never thought my quiet act of noncompliance as revolutionary nor did I ever intend it to be seen as such. When my breasts first grew in, I wore a bra mainly because I was into sports and running without one on was very annoying painful. As I moved away from sports, bra-wearing became a cover for my insecurities concerning having smaller breasts. After a year or two of stuffing myself into Victoria's Secret bombshell bras, I decided to accept my size and stopped trying to gain the approval (or appease the comfort) of others. Many justifications I heard for the necessity of bras centered around male gaze, male pleasure, and ensuring male comfort. For some reason, men are these maniacal creatures that can't control themselves when they see any inkling of the female form and it is our responsibility, as woman, to help them manage themselves.


....right.


I sometimes wonder why we are so eager to embrace these chest harnesses. I wonder if the back pain a lot of bustier women have is associated with their breasts or if its a by-product of trying to care all of that weight in one specific spot (as opposed to natural mass dispersion). How did women manage before bras? While I can't speak for everyone across the size spectrum, when it comes to my journey, the decision boils down to a point of self-acceptance. I'm a woman. Woman have breasts. They don't have to be a certain size to be acceptable. They don't have to sit a certain way to be acceptable. They don't have to bee positioned a certain way to be acceptable. Prop them or let them out. Either way, they don't have to do anything but be mine. It is what it is.

I can admit that, the less I wear bras, the more uncomfortable they seem to be when I do wear them, pushing me farther and farther away from what most would consider God's light. I can't give you more than a bralette these days and even that comes at a very last resort. There are days when I put on my clothes and am shocked by the obviousness of my body. These are the moments that I take a step back and remind myself of one thing:

I'm a woman. Woman have breasts. This is okay.

xo,

jana-lynn

An Anecdote on Black Girl Beauty

Illustrator: Nicholle Kobi

I had a really interesting, albeit random, experience at a party a few weeks ago.

As I was walking to the bar, this woman grabs my shoulder, turns me around, and squeals "Oh my goodness! You're gorgeous!". I'm a little taken aback by the outburst but I smile, tell her thank you and go to turn back around and grab the bartender's attention. She stops me again.

"I saw you walking out the bathroom earlier and was taken aback. You're really pretty and... you kind of look like me. Looking at you made me think maybe I could be pretty too.."

I stood there frozen. In front of me stood a woman with toasted almond skin, jet black hair that was styled in bouncing curls that danced around her clavicles, and sparkles of light and warm charisma behind her big brown eyes. How did she not see her pretty?

Moments like this make me wish I were a more quick witted individual because I'm sure my silence extended over into awkwardness. But, truthfully, I really didn't know how to react. I couldn't understand why she didn't not recognize her pretty nor could I understand why looking at ME inspired her believe her beauty could be possible. To be quite frank, I've never been one to think too much into my appearance. I like my face, my family likes my face, and the men I have interest in tend to like my face but I'm definitely not the girl that gets generally fawned over. So, it was a bit weird, to be called out on that.

Anyway, I chuckled, told her she was far too kind, remarked that she was absolutely beautiful and I'm humbled that she thought my looks were on par with her's. She smiled, took a sip of her drink, and turned back to her friends.

I don't know if that was the appropriate thing to say but.. I hope it helped.

I hate when black girls, especially older dark skin girls, don't see their beauty. We all know the literature surrounding the why this issue continues to persist (i.e. colorism, lack of representation, lack of affirmation, hypersexualization, negative stereotypes, etc) but it still strikes a certain nerve in me when I see the doubt there. I remember living through that angst and its something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I always prayed that it was something others did not tussle with.

Its one thing to struggle with self-acceptance at thirteen but its whole other beast to be tormented with doubt and self-worth in your twenties and thirties. I'm a firm believer that the feelings of unease only get compounded the older you get, thus making it that much more trying to work through. This journey to self-love that far too many of my melaninated sisters have to go through in our lives is the worst kind of birthright. I wish the narrative was different, for our sake and especially for the next generation.

I keep replaying this scenario in my mind over and over again. I wish I would have responded better.

Nevertheless, feel free to affirm dark skin girls today outside of the usual realm of hypersexualization and fetishization. Avoid the "you're pretty for a black girl" and appreciate her for who she is period. Remind her that she is beautiful, that she is loved, that she valued, and that she is enough.

Do this exercise tomorrow. And the day after that. Help them to see the beauty that you see. Let's uplift those around us until they are strong enough to hold themselves up. It will be appreciated.

xo,

jana-lynn

12 janvier 2017

I don't have anything poignant to say but I really love how these selfies came out so here we are. 

I'm spending this upcoming weekend in Deep Creek, MD relaxing and reconnecting with friends. Next week I head off to Havana, Cuba for exploration and cultural enrichment.

I've been drinking water, eating fresh fruit, and minding my business. My waistline is getting smaller and my Panda Planner has forced me to be more intentional in regards to gratitude, productivity, affirmations, and celebrating myself daily. I feel more at peace now that I have been able to own up to my insecurities and struggles. There is a brightness and hopefulness that is keeping me afloat and I adore it.

I hope Week 2 of 2017 has been kind to you!

 xo,
jana-lynn

5 janvier 2017

About 2-3 years ago, I was listening to a sermon series relationships and the pastor recommended a book entitled Safe People. The book focuses on identifying and building healthy relationships, from a Christ-centered perspective. While I thoroughly enjoyed the sermon series and thought the topic of the book was interesting, I wasn't up to reading the book at the time. I added it to my Amazon shopping cart so I could remember it and kept it moving. After staring me down for years, I bought the book about 6 months ago and put it on my bookshelf. This past November, I decided to fast as a means of preparing for the new year and picked up the book during my break from social media.

Listen. The book had me in shambles.

It brought to the forefront a lot of things that I had buried and didn't even realize that I was struggling with. The thing is that I have been hurt a lot in life. And while I thought I had dealt with it, this book helped me realize I was reacting to pain, never processing the hurt, and simply moving my emotions aside. Instead of dealing with what was in front of me, I became closed off and guarded. I never saw it as being problematic; I've wrote it off being reserved.

See, the problem with being closed off is that I only let people in who are a closed off as well. People who won't pry and ask me questions because they don't want to be asked questions. As such, I have a phenomenal track record of choosing the wrong people for my life - both friends and lovers. I choose people who don't properly make room for me and don't have the capacity to be the people I need so the relationship goes how I expect - with me being let down and, ultimately, feeling isolated.

So, the for the last couple of weeks, I sought to understand where this all began and when I learned to be this way. In my strolling through memory lane, I learned that I have memories of being let down that go much farther back then I expected. Being ignored and left to play on my own elementary school because I was the girl who wanted to play on the monkey bars instead of hand games and gossiping by the merry go-round. Being an outcast in middle school because I was the only black girl from the inner city. Being smart and selected for the magnet program didn't properly prepare me to be the sole proprietor of kinky coily hair standing out in classroom of suburban girls with sandy blonde hair and the latest fashions. I remember instances in high school and where I tried to share a new crush with friends and they response would be met with "why? he isn't even that cute anyway..."

I don't think I ever deemed those things as being overtly mean but I also can't deny the small pieces of my heart they broke off each and every time. The silent reception or changing the subject and never letting me flesh out the conversation did hurt. In addition, the fact that I never processed them compounded the effects. Soon, I adapted to the poor reception and learned to discuss myself and the things I valued less and less. For me, the long lasting effects is me subconsciously making myself "smaller" or "insignificant". I created this habit of comparing my stories to others to determine whether or not who I am was worthy of conversing about. I'd shrink myself to accommodate others all for the sake of 'acceptance'. And, as time progressed, I'd meet new folks and never share myself because I had now evolved into a being that no longer knew how.

But, sure, let's just call it reserved.

The inverse of this (AND THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART) is that people share themselves with me so I think we're close friends because I know about them but they don't think we're close because they don't know me.

I have been struggling from hurt and abandonment from a myriad of ended friendships and relationships for years now. I was constantly wondering how people who I considered good friends could let me go so easily and internalizing that to mean that I was not good enough. I look back at the those that I perceived as hurting me and its like... "Holy shit! We were never actually friends! These people don't know me and, thus, don't attribute me as adding value to their lives". Which, in truth, I do not fault them for. I realize now that I was just hurting myself.

It's very humbling to reach my current age in life and realize that I have been carrying this burden of pain tucked in the recesses of my heart and, in doing so, tore down my ability to connect with people around me. And by "humbling", I most definitely mean "yikes".

So where do we go from here?

I push myself to speak up more AND address behavior when I feel like I'm not getting the attention I require. I build relationships with genuine people who will poke into my life and not accept the "I'm fine" and "I'm okay" because, in truth, I can feel like I'm "pushing" myself but I really might not be doing enough. Quiet as its kept, I'm good for a feeble attempt.

The moral of this story is I'm probably gonna try to speak about myself more and it's gonna be awkward so work with the kid.

-----

One final note: I've been struggling with depression on and off since my mid-20s  but I'm now learning that I don't have a depressive disorder. Instead, my depression is a symptom of me not have safe and healthy relationships in my life. The trigger for the depression was a severe case of broken heart in my mid-20s brought on my a succession of failed relationships. At the time, I felt like I couldn't trust anyone and tried to shoulder all that pain (in addition to life's other burdens such as rent, grad school while working full-time, and church responsibilities) on my own. The problem with that plan is the fact that we are not meant to live life alone. My lack of trust and the decision not to share my life and struggles with others in my life was, literally, crushing my spirit. My inability to say "I'm not okay" was having physical manifestations.

So I want to take this moment to encourage you to seek professional help, no matter how big or small you may think your issues are. Stop self-diagnosing based on shared stories on the internet or from stories of those around you. Just because everyone is doing it or living it does not mean that this is how you're story should be. Community is good and important but it doesn't replace professional guidance. Please take care of yourself and remember that you are loved. There are people in this world and in this life who want to make room for you. You do not have to do this alone.

xo,

jana-lynn

1 novembre 2016

I like to use the month of November as a time for self-reflection and planning. My birthday/personal new year in December so November is always a great time for me to review and assess where I am and start planning for where I want to be & what I want to achieve in the upcoming year. I have so many ideas in my head in terms of travel, writing, brand expansion, creative directorship, and published publications that I hope to execute within the next year and I know none of these things can be achievable until I sit down and start making actionable plans. I'm a firm believer that if you want something out of your life, you have to be specific and intentional in orchestrating it. No one lives by accident; we all are who we are by design (whether that is active design or passive design is all on you).

ProTip: Try to make your goals as specific as possible. It's easier to achieve when you've detailed exactly what you need & want to do.

This year I am participating in a 21-day fast to help keep me disciplined and focus during this period. While I do want to take this time to pour myself into my vision, I do also hope to experience increased spiritual maturity and spiritual softening. I lived through a lot of heartbreak and emotional abuse in my mid- and late-20s and it left me a bit more hardened, guarded, frustrated, angry, and removed from God than I often care to admit. This first year of 30 has brought a lot of peace, clarity, and emotional safety back into my life and it is very important to me that I keep this progress in bloom. Being the bibliophile that I am, I stocked up on a few books to keep me on course to where I want to be. While I don't think I will get through all 4 books in three weeks, I've heard phenomenal things about Henry Cloud's 'Safe People' and Timothy Keller's 'Prayer' so I will start there. Of course, check out the links to the books:

• Timothy Keller - Prayer
• Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good For You and Those That Aren't
• Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now
• Priscilla Shirer - Fervent: A Woman's Battle Plan for Serious, Specific, and Strategic Prayer

----

I hope November is kind to you!

xo,

jana-lynn

31 octobre 2016

As, I'm sure most of us do, I always get more reflective near the end of the year. Earlier this month, I was inspired to take a fast in the month of November as a means of mentally, physically, and spiritually preparing for 2017. As my birthday is also near the end of year, I wanted to also use the fast to reflect on and assess this 31st year of life. The last few times I attempted to fast, I ended up falling off within a matter of days so I'm really hoping and praying I can keep it together this time around. I'm praying my decision to become pescatarian in September has helped to improve my discipline a bit so I'll be able to stick it through. Time, surely, will tell.

---

One thing I really wanted this year was romantic love. After years of dealing with the blowout from an emotionally abusive relationship, I finally do feel as if I am in a space where I am ready to love and be loved in return. While the plan didn't come to fruition as I had hoped, I do feel more sure in my decision to open myself up to the possibilities. Through meeting and getting to know new men this past year, I have been able to prove to myself that I am more sure of my needs, more willing to own my voice, more comfortable with articulating myself, more controlled in setting boundaries, and overall less afraid.

I'm in repair and, while I'm not together, and I'm getting there. I'm learning to allow space for my healing, to be patient with myself, and to be more forgiving of myself. It's a small step but I've learned that starting small and increasing incrementally is better than going big, feeling overwhelmed, and quitting (which, by the way, i am already exceptionally good at). It will all work out in due time and in the right season. If not, I guess I'll get into cats or embroidery.

---

Francheska recently tweeted about her recent achievement of financial freedom and it made  me remember my goals of financial security for the year. I will have paid off three cards by the end of November and have done a complete 180 in terms of my spending habits. I came to the realization that my spending was associated with my depression, loneliness, anger. Acknowledging, accepting, and being aware of my struggles have greatly helped me to overcome the bad habit. Of course, I still go through moods of depression and loneliness but now I am able to recognize them for what they are and address them in more positive and affirming ways.

I say this all to say: never take for granted the ability to have people around you for which you can be vulnerable and honest with. The ability to say "I just need a person now" and have people around you who are willing and eager to make space for you is a gift. Truly and honestly, a gift.

Never forget to count your blessings. Always keep your gratitude at the forefront.

xo,

jana-lynn

unapologetic - [the year the fucks flew the coop]

Erykah Badu recently minded me of the importance of keeping a clean house and it brought back to mind the promise I made to myself at the end of last summer.

Love myself more. 
Self-care as a must.
Be unapologetically me.

I've realized that I have been slacking in making me a priority over the years. My knack (or natural inclining due to my Bible-based upbringing) for self-sacrifice and pouring into people has begun to unravel me at the seams and... it's all begun to become quite too much.

Dimming my vibrancy. Pouring into the undeserving. Being mindful of the those who couldn't fathom to do the same for me. Giving fucks when it wasn't my turn to do so. Walking on eggshells for.... naught. That shit just bleeds you dry.

I needed boundaries and needed to seek self-preservation. And I erected them as such: the minimum requirements for being allowed to share my space would include

reciprocity // valuing my presence // celebrating my being // encouraging my aspirations

And, once written down, I felt sheepish. These ideas are, honestly, the fundamental rules of any healthy relationship. It felt strange that I had to intentionally call out and seek these behaviors in hopes of surrounding myself with good & genuine persons. No shade but.... who raised y'all?

Either way, if you can't help me realize my goal of self-actualization, if you can't support my goals/hobbies/aspirations, if you can't love on me in the same manner that i love on you, if you attempt to dim my light, or if you feel intimidated by my light, then.... you'll just have to get the hell gone.

And I'm unapologetic about that decision. If you find me to be more abrasive than your liking, then take it up with your spiritual adviser. I will no longer stand stagnant in order to appease those around me.

I have to charge headstrong into my being and find the solace and peace that lives in that place.

So in this year...
this 30th year of life on this earth....
this is the year in which I cut all the bullshit.

weekend football excitement

Here are some things you should know about me:

1. I'm a Patriots fan.
2. Tom Brady swearing on the sidelines tickles me EVRY TIEM. He has the coolest & quietest demeanor ever but all his energy and passion comes out for the game. I love it.
3. The NE Slot Receivers are some of my favorite things. It started off as just an admiration for Wes Welker and just how effective he was. Always making those catches on the slant and being small enough to cut through the tough defenders. Our offense methodologically worked down the field 10 yards at a time. Julian Edelman and Danny Woodhead were soon brought and the three of them were like my magical elves. Between the Slot Receivers for short passes and the Boston TE Party for longer passes, our offense was beautiful to behold! But, then, Danny and Wes were traded, Rob Gronkowski was riddled by injury, and Aaron Hernandez allegedly killed everyone so... Julian was on his own for a while. Danny Amendola was brought in but a nagging groin injury during his first season kept him mostly out of play. This year was the first year we had healthy slot receiver and my mini men were pretty exceptional. I love watching them play!

Peace and Love

Twitter user Bassey sent some inspiring tweets about the end of love and finding your peace last night and I just had to save them. I don't think I have yet to find my peace at the end of the road of love's heartache but... I'm confident that they day is soon approaching. Not to sound cliche but this is truly my year. 2015 is the year when all the pieces will fall into place again and my spirit will be restored.

So... cheers to peace, love, restoration, laughter, and much more love in 2015. Let our missteps only lead us to beautiful victories.

xo,
Jana-Lynn

why don't the men i date ever truly love me?

i really don't have anything poignant to say but i do think its important that all women read this submission (and answer) the the 'Ask Polly' advice column from NYMag's The Cut. as a woman who has made her share of poor ass decisions when it comes to dating, i know i needed to read this. to absorb this. to become one with this. i'm not sure where i picked up the habit of shrinking myself to fit into the context of what others need of me but.... that has done nothing to benefit me over the years. it hasn't brought me love or happiness or peace and yet, for some reason, i catch myself falling into that disgusting pattern more often than not. *sigh* but... this isn't about me. today's blog post is about us. because i know i'm not the only one who looks back at the past with a general air of "what in the entire fuck, man?". 

we have to learn to constantly remind ourselves that everything we are is enough. our feelings... our passions... out laughter... our anxieties... our anger... all of it. and, most of all, remember that if we are to truly love one that we have to be brave enough to show up and let them see who we truly are.

here is a piece of deliciousness presented in the post:

"Your real problem is that you're sure you have a problem. Because you're pretty sure that you have a problem, you're hiding. You're putting up with whatever. You're never getting ruffled or hurt. When someone breaks up with you, you're not yelling "Whyyyyy?!!!" In fact, you imply that only a weak or less evolved person would do that. You imply that you aren't a weak person, you're not crazy, you're not fucked up, you're evolved, you're healthy, you have proof: Your therapist will vouch for you. You have "remarkable communication and emotional coping skills."

You're so good at being GOOD. But how good are you at being YOU? You know what makes a spark? A real human being with a bad attitude who's tired of moving shit just to sit down in a motherfucker's apartment. A woman who, after 18 months of doing everything together, doesn't sigh and say, "Okay. I'm hurt, but I totally get it." She says, "HOLY FUCK I THOUGHT YOU WERE ABOUT TO POP THE FUCKING QUESTION. THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING CURVEBALL." [Knocks a pile of books off a chair to sit down.] "I just wish I hadn't worn these fucking tall shoes, they're killing me, and I thought I should wear them in case we needed to go out somewhere nice to celebrate!" [Takes off shoes and throws them at the wall.] "GodDAMN IT! FUCK THIS!!!!" [Grabs a sketch from some pile of shitty sketches and rips it into a million pieces. Throws body onto filthy carpet and sobs, noting bits of filth in carpet while sobbing.]

Okay, so that was a dramatization of some messy behavior. I'm not trying to tell you to be more of a psycho and someone will love you completely. But you DO need to be SOMETHING. Are you afraid of being something?"


Read "Ask Polly: Why Don't the Men I Date Truly Love Me?"

Life Goals

Big hair.
Plaid shirt.
Fitted Jeans.
Heels.
Mug o' Tea.
Curious Big-Haired Toddler.

I'm going to assume their living space is an awesome brownstone. That's my 2nd favorite type of home so I'll allow it.

My ultimate goal is to live in a loft. I crave the open space. These three homes - Modern Luxe Bohemian, Franklin St Bohemian Loft, and Gallery-Like Loft - are my favorite! I tend to cringe at the word "bohemian" but, when it comes to home design, that aesthetic fits me to a T. I love the playing with different pieces, textures, and colors when cultivating a home space. It just makes it feel all the more intimate and personable.

Anyway...

I ran across this picture on Tumblr and it perfectly captured the life that I hope to grow into within the next decade. Shit sometimes gets overwhelming if you you let the woes and worries take a hold of you. One of the ways I have learned to maintain my peace is by remembering that everything will always be alright. All things work together for the good, ya know.

So I keep my eye on the prize and confidently sojourn to this destiny of a fierce, fly, and love-filled life. I keep in the forefront of my mind that, similar to fine wine, I will only get better with age and, thus, the bad things have no choice but to fall away.

Each new year brings about new laughter, new memories, new drives, new goals, new accomplishments, new loves, new bad decisions from which to gain wisdom from, and so much new life.

It's really always a blessing to wake up each day. Don't ever take it for granted, y'all. Love yourself wholeheartedly and where you are in this moment. Learn to be content with what you have and who you are. Don't let the stressors of life distract from all the beauty that there is around us. Be happy in your space and learn to look forward to all the blessings that will comes. Because, they will come. They always come.

“Be content with what you have;

rejoice in the way things are.

When you realize there is nothing lacking,

the whole world belongs to you.”

— Lao Tzu

xo,

Jana-Lynn

stories from a recovering shopaholic

source

I want to use the word "recovering" very loosely because I just bought a flannel crop top, denim midi circle skirt, and faux leather midi circle skirt a few weeks ago. Actually, scratch that. Relapse is part of recovery and I'm trying to learn to be kinder and more patient with myself. I just have to be more mindful of what my triggers are.

Anyway, that's not the point. Let's realign the focus.

Its really easy to get trapped into the spending lifestyle. "Sign up for 20% off your first purchase" turns into daily emails announcing new items and secret sales. I had nearly 20-30 emails DAILY from various retailers advertising their items and sales. I was spending so many hours of my day online window shopping. I probably could justify an ASOS purchase everyday because my closet "needed" it. And that "Save For Later" feature didn't help because I just kept a collection of things I was saving to buy every pay period. I was actually pretty embarrassed when my neighbor across the hall commented on how many packages I get on the regular. He only moved in about 3-4 months ago.

Clicking on Zara's announcement of their semi-annual sale makes me want to spend money on "discounted" shoes that I probably will only wear once or twice because I'll get annoyed with seeing everyone else wearing them and/or will buy some other shoe and forget they exist (the latter being the most likely outcome). ASOS reminding me that I can get an extra 20% off all items makes me want to justify buying that dress that will probably sit in my closet for 3 months before I finally wear it once then eventually donate it to my local thrift store.

One thing I am trying to do is to re-train my brain about shopping. Over the past few years, shopping has become a bit of therapy for me. New shoes and dresses where used to help lift me up out of morose moods. A new leather handbag won't hurt your feelings like people do. Feeling and looking beautiful just helped to take the edge off any anxiety or sadness I was dealing with. But, when shopping becomes your crutch, it only leads to downward spirals in other areas of your life. Struggling to pay bills and having to borrow money to live just because you wanted a couple new pairs of shoes just really isn't the move. And I soon realized that I would rather spend money travelling instead of buying items that I would wear thrice - and it didn't matter if the item was "only $7.99". I realized that I would rather buy one $200 bag that I would wear almost every single day instead of 20 bags ranging from $9.99-$49.99 that will only get worn a handful of times (if even that). I mean... I have this gorgeous fur clutch that I will wear..... where?! Sure, collecting clothes is a hobby for some but I'm, honestly, not on that level of living yet. And I cringe thinking of all the times I have "cleared junk" from my closet and donated it to thrift/vintage shops just to refill my closet with more things that won't get much wear. Its a cyclical process that has me losing way more money that I should be.

I think its extremely important to re-gain my self-control. Sure, I've tried to "pray away" impulsiveness but I'm sure God believes that learning to be disciplined on my own would be far more useful. Because learning how to establish that practice in one arena of life will surely lend to developing that habit in other areas. So, ya girl is working on some serious baby steps. Yes, I will relapse and it will suck and I will be upset and disappointed in self but... I will just take a deep breathe, put on my big girl panties, and push myself to do better. I'm still going to be proactive in managing this because it is a bad habit that I want to be rid of.

These awesome tips from My Fab Finance have really helped me to prioritize and better control spending. Unsubscribing from emails alone has been a tremendous help. Ignorance, as it turns out, is completely bliss. I'm also slowly trying to get into the cash-only lifestyle.  I've decided to leave my credit cards at home (i gotta pay off those balances and save them for emergencies/big purchases ONLY). I've cut up my debit card and now only carry an ATM card. Because ATMs for my bank aren't readily found here and those non-bank ATM fees hurt so bad, I'm less inclined to just withdraw money to perpetuate my silly spending habits.

They say it takes 21 days to make a habit so ...let's see what new ways I can add to my existence by the time August  rolls around. Here's to self-improvement!

xo,

jana-jynn

The Power of Friendship

source

"You're used to your friends being pressed for you. Being all in your face. It just looks so obsessive", she said as she shook her head, the look of agitation slowly blossoming on her face. "You need to know that I'm not like them. I'm not going to be all over you. I'm not gonna be all in your face. I don't view friendship like that. That's just not how I do things..."

I started to grow defensive as I listened to her monologue. "'...all over me'? What? Why is she trying to make it seem like I only want to be friends with people who gravel at my feet..?"

"If we enjoy each other's company and always have a good time together, why not kick it on the regular? Why can't we just always have fun and be fun together?"

"People think differently. I just do things differently."

She was big on compartmentalization when it came to friendships. These people for this thing; those friendships for that. No need to overlap; just enjoy this precise moment for what it is and I'll be in touch with you when I need you for another moment again. But... me? I always figured we could all be friends. The ideology of 'Party Friends' and 'Spiritual Friends' and 'Museum Friends' and 'Happy Hour Friends' and 'Fashion Friends' just makes me feel tumultuous.  If I have fun with you and then I turn around and have fun with them well... why can't we all hang out and have fun together? And, this may be a bit selfish but, I find it much easier to just keep up with everything (and everyone) if it's all in one place. No worries about conflicting schedules and such. We're all just one big happy framily, right?

And even though I felt assured in my sentiments, the irritation of her words soon led to doubt and apprehensiveness seeping into my system. "Maybe I have been pampered and don't know what friendship is..."

If I took her words for the truth that they were - early indicators to the beginning of a demise of a friendship - then I probably would not have let them haunt my spirit for so long. But I didn't. And so her words had their way. And the next couple of years were spent trying to refute the "foolishness" of her words, placing me in the midst of friendships seemingly more defined by proximity and ease of access at the moment than actual value and appreciation.

So now I sit here staring down the demise of yet more friendsh-- well, I guess the more appropos term should be "extended associateships"? Anyway, as I begin to live out the end of another set of relationships while attempting to avoid the overwhelming feeling of failure, all I can think is... "...of all the things she said, why the fuck I did internalize that bullshit?"

After no one shows up to her birthday party, Carrie feels incredibly depressed, worried suddenly that, at age 35, she is still alone with not even man in her life to help celebrate her day. When Charlotte suggested the idea that perhaps friendships were the actual "soul mates" and not the men that waltzed in and out of their lives, a light bulb went off in my head. Because that is an exact descriptor of what my friends mean to me.


Our family, the first romance of our lives, teach us nearly everything will will grow to believe about love.  Fathers and brothers set the example of how their daughters feel like they should be treated and valued from other men. Mothers and daughters influence the patterns of what men expect from significant others. Years of watching parental interactions create the foundation definitions of how we believe the dynamics of romantic relationships should shape out. All of this prepares us for dating and, eventually, marriage. The cycle reforming when you decide to have children of your own. 

But friendship is different. Its a situation where respect, communication, compatibility, chemistry, love, and commitment is expected (the same tenets of romantic relationships) ....without the physical intimacy or romance. Your first friend was a stranger you met and decided that their value was so important that it was a necessity for them to be in your life. You saw a stranger and thought, "Hmm...like you and think you're cool and I choose to be around you". And their importance wasn't based on the possibility of a certain level of physical intimacy or blood lines that tied you together forever. It wasn't a person that was already there... or obligated to be there... or something you hoped to build your idea of 'forever' around. It was just a person you thought was good enough for a simple "I value you".

source

The older I get, the more I recognize that I want all my relationships to flow around this simple tenet of "I value you". I'm around you because I care about you. I listen to you because I value your opinions. We're going to lunch because I want to make sure I'm abreast with the happenings of your life. I'm giving you this warning because I care about how you're perceived. This forwarded email is because I think it's something you'd be interested in. A text just to check on your day when I know you've been dealing with a lot. Champagne for your birthday ...and again your first big raise ... and again for the new apartment ... and one more time for the engagement. We'll have the good stuff for your engagement. Rooftop happy hours just because it's a sunny Tuesday. A shared GIF because I know you'd love the humor. And maybe just sitting at your house and watching HBO documentaries because neither of us wants to be alone right now. You are not an isolated moment but more of a constant thread flowing throw the fabric of my existence. A real and tangible and intentional relationship. All because I value you and you're important to me and your companionship is enough. And that is the power of friendship.

Quite frankly, any new love interest I bring into my life may very well never know me as well as my friends do. We will, undoubtedly, become very close but... the depth may not be able to ever compare to that found with the people who have held my heart for years before I knew He ever came to my life. The people who have held my hand through every heartache, cheered me when the dreams felt to heavy, smiled on my soul when I felt alone, pushed me forward when I felt I couldn't do enough, and laughed at (or with) me through all the nonsensical jokes. The levels are just too deep and, perhaps, they should never be compared. 

My guy may very well be my great adventure but my friends will always hold the keys to my soul. And I refuse to believe there is anything wrong with that.

xo,

Jana-Lynn

'questions for the woman i was last night' by warsan shire

how far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps?

how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?

why do you find the unavailable so alluring?

where did it begin? What went wrong? And who made you feel so worthless?

if they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you?

all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?

and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?

how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?

where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?

- Warsan Shire

Day 1 of 365

Invest in yourself.
Find your passions and pursue them.
Now is the time to seize your dreams and live the life you've always wanted to live.
Happiness is a decision and yesterday has nothing to do with this very moment.
May your year be filled with love, light, peace, tranquility, and happiness.

Happy 2013!

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

— Paulo Coehlo

forgiveness is hard

I struggle with forgiveness.

I mean... I'm sure most people do but...

It really annoys the life out of me that I just can't let certain situations or people go.

I'm pretty sure it's just my pride.

"Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before stumbling", the old book says. "Better relationships and increased peace of mind" is the reason to forgive, many religions of the world insist. Ironically enough, a new study insists that forgiveness is good for the heart. Research dating back to the 1980s insists that the physiological impacts of forgiveness include lowered blood pressure, improved sleep, lower levels of anxiety, lower levels of depression, lower levels of perceived stress, lower levels of cholesterol, and increases to life.

span.

Forgiveness is aptly described as "a change of heart". And holding a grudge can, literally, make you sick.

Today, I realized that forgiveness is a choice. I'm been waiting for the moment ... for the feeling ... that would tell me that I could forgive. But, its been months. Somewhere, deep inside, I'm starting to believe that feeling will never come to be. So I must make a choice to forgive. Say the words and release my spirit. Everyday if need be. Until the feeling actually exists.

And then, I think, every thing will be okay again.

xo,

Jana-Lynn

“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.” 

— Marianne Williamson

I'm Sort of a Book Hoarder...

I read all my books (eventually) but... yea... I have this slight obsession with new reads. I just don't have enough time in my day to devote to reading leisurely as I would like.

Anyway, I picked up these two books today. My favorite girl and my favorite hobby.


I bought a styling book. Because... you know... I like styling but I don't really know much about styling. Don't know the history or who the game-changers are/were or in what avenues they work. The book has gorgeous spreads and stories. I figure if I get bored, I'd at least have a very dope coffee table book to put on my coffee table once I acquire one.

Amy Winehouse was my everything. I feel like I loved her like most people loved Michael Jackson. I mean.. I was saddened by the death of the King of Pop but.. when Amy died? My heart broke. I remember standing near the door of Youth Church and greeting teens as they walked in. I casually looked down at my phone during an extended break in the flow of traffic.

"Amy Winehouse, age 27, found dead in her London home". 

My chest tightened up and I remember gasping for air. How could she be gone? She had begun gaining weight and seemed to be triumphing over her eating disorder. She seemed to be off the drugs; her behavior less erratic and frantic. She had finalized her divorce from her husband, the guy that introduced her to the hard drugs and altered the course of her life. She was in the studio recording her 3rd album. She was living that clean slate she so desperately needed. Seemed such more at peace. How could she be gone?

When I saw her dad wrote a memoir about her life, I immediately added it to my Amazon shopping cart. Since God favors me, I found the book on sale at Urban for $10 on Thanksgiving Eve. Popped it open on my third page in and started tearing up 4 pages into the Prologue.

That Girl. My girl. She was a special soul.

I can't wait to finish reading the book. It seems as if her father crafted something beautiful.

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade

My holiday season just doesn't every seem to feel right unless I start with the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. So, as is my custom, I arose from my bed at 9:55am and glued my eyes to my television for the epic greatness that took hold of two hours of my life.

 

Fun Fact #1: I didn't know the Power Rangers still existed.

Fun Fact #2: I would have rather seen the Avengers twirling and tumbling on that green carpet.

Fun Fact #3: I was super low key kinda sorta filled with glee to see the Rangers. But the lack of Pink and Green/White was real shady.

I love all the bands that participated. NC A&T opened up the performances and did a wonderful job. The also had a a couple great performances from high schools and the Macy's Parade Band. 

This was my first time catching the parade in nearly... *thinks* ... probably a decade now. WOW! Watching the parade used to be my ritual with my mom (followed by football with my dad. why wasn't i in the kitchen you ask? that's a story for another day) but it's something I hadn't kept up with since I moved out for college. I forgot all about the thrill and excitement of seeing your favorite characters floating through the air. While I missed Rocky & Bullwinkle (RIP),  I was excited to see Mickey, Charlie Brown, and Kermit. It was also cool to see the newer trendier balloons (i.e. Hello Kitty, Kool-Aid Man, Shelf Elf, Diary of A Wimpy Kind) drawing in the younger generation into the festivities.

The Holidays Are Officially Here!

Happy Thanksgiving!

source: Terry's Diary

I'm thankful for sunsets and sunrise. The effervescent beauty found in the dancing of light and dark. The peace in knowing that no matter how dark and still the night, the dawn soon comes to restore light to the day.

I'm thankful for love. Late night texts and early morning Skype sessions. Hour-long phone calls filled with glee and gossip. All day text sessions surrounding prolific words learned in scriptures and archived sermons. Smiles and laughter. Art galleries and museums and history and astronomy for displaying the beauty of times past, present, and the wonders to come. Friends who are there in the good and hold you in bad. Support and encouragement and constructive criticism. For the ability to capture those bright moments and keeping them hid in your heart to balance those lonely moments. Compassion, understanding, happiness, and unconditional love from a myriad of avenues to cover my life.

I'm thankful for my grandparents. My first thanksgiving without my maternal grandfather. My paternal grandfather passed before I was even a thought in my father's mind so my mother's father was the only grandfather I have ever known. The patriarch of my family who, through his life and experiences and mannerisms, taught me all I ever needed to know and understand what true love is and how true love works. Love isn't perfect. It is commitment and courage. It is valuing and cherishing. It is understanding self-worth and knowing self-discipline. Honesty and trust. Hope. It is strength and perseverance  Belonging, sacrifice, honor, passion, and patience. And it is worth it. Every single day, every single moment, every single tear, every single smile. It is always worth it. My grandmother lost the only man she has every loved and shared life with. They shared 75 lives together as a couple; 66 years together as man and wife. Together since the age of 13 and 14. While I was deeply saddened and pained by the lost of my grandfather, I know the experience is something completely different for my grandmother. Seeing her tears and seeing her hurt breaks my heart entirely but...  her faith is unshakable. Her songs and prayers of thanksgiving to God instead of slipping in a deep darkness amaze me. She sings her favorite hymns through her tears. She finds her strength and comfort in God instead of becoming lost in the pain. Her smiles and laughter and strength despite losing the one person that fills (and was a constant factory in) every memory she harbors. Her resolve to keep loving and living. I'm thankful and grateful for being able to see that faith in and love of God. If I can be one ounce of the woman she is or experience a shred of the love she had, my life would be so much better for it. Philippians 4:7.

I'm thankful for life. To be able to explore my interests and passions. Life is meant to be lived in the ways you see fit. I'm thankful for parents and family who always allowed me the room to be who I am and support me in all I do. I know that is a gift not afforded to most.

I'm grateful for a God who loves... and cherishes... and supports... and seeks... and values all that is me. 
I'm thankful for this opportunity I have just to be. And have been. And will become.
I'm am thankful to God for allowing me to be me.